Hi Emily,
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way but I’m really glad you reached out for support. I have had lyme for almost 8 years now, and although I am doing much better now, I have definitely faced similar thoughts and feelings to you, so I understand what you are going through. I too had some serious depression linked to lyme, and I know how dark it can feel, and it makes my heart ache to know anyone else is going through that.
I wanted to offer some advice based on my own experience, and hopefully something in here will be of help to you.
First and most importantly, I’d say that you should find a trusted family member or friend that you can speak to about your suicidal thoughts (and just about your lyme experience in general, which is incredibly hard) so that you have someone who can support you. When you are feeling awful, its hard to shoulder all the responsibility to get the support you need, so find some others who can help advocate for you, or just listen when you need it. If you are feeling suicidal or like you don’t want to be alive, to me that sounds like depression and should be taken incredibly seriously. Here are a couple resources you can call or text if you are feeling suicidal or like you don’t want to be alive. Please use them if you are feeling suicidal or incredibly depressed.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline- 800.273.8255
the Crisis Text Line - text 741-741
You could also consider seeing a therapist or counselor - It took some time for me to get up the energy/courage to find one, but I have found it incredibly helpful. A family or friend could help you find one.
I also would speak to your doctor about the feelings and side effects. There are certainly things that can be done to help, and if the side effects (including depression) are too intense, then you can probably make the treatment less intense until symptoms are managable. I ended up going on antidepressents, which I was hesitant to do but they really helped me a lot in the long run.
The other person who responded talked about Herxing/die off and that could definitely be causing depression and other side effects.
I have written a post on the supplements I use for die off, but number one I would recommend for you would be activated charcoal. Take 2 capsules to start, but can increase to 3, and can be taken a couple times a day. It is cheap and safe, and also causes constipation, so that could help with your diarrhea. The only thing to be aware of is that it absorbs anything that is taken around it (you want it to absorb toxins from die off) so take it at least 1 hour before or after any food or medications so it doesn’t absorb those too.
Check out my post on die-off: Help Herx reactions
As for diarrhea, I am guessing that is from the antibiotics. I had a lot of trouble with antibiotics and ended up using herbs for treatment because the antibiotics were tearing my stomach apart; they can be pretty tough on your GI tract. Do you take probiotics? If not, I can advise you on some brands and how to space them between the antibiotics.
I hope some of this advice has helped. Please find a friend or family member who can help you talk about what you are going through and find any help that you need. Let us know how you are getting on and I am happy to pass on any other advice you may need.
x sarah